GIVE ME FIVE BEES FOR A QUARTER











I was at work the other day and I noticed that a coworker had a strange colour of nail polish on her fingernails. I don’t usually notice trivial aesthetic details like these; like when a chick colours her hair from a dark shade of brown to a slightly lighter shade of brown. Sorry I didn’t notice, I guess I forgot to bring in my booklet of hair-colour swatches today to compare. But my colleague’s fingernails caught my attention because they weren’t quite red, but they weren’t quite black either. They were a sort of muddy red. To me, it looked like she’d smeared congealed blood over her fingernails. Perhaps she moonlights as a serial killer. I have made a mental note not to go to any more work functions that take place after dark. I’m not taking any chances with a woman who favours Congealed Blood as her preferred nail polish colour. That’s just asking for trouble.

But this leads me nicely into what I wanted to talk about, and that’s that putting on nail polish is just one of many things women do that I have never understood. I guess they do it so the ends of their fingers match their top or their eyes or something, whatever. But what’s even worse is when they paint their toenails. Why? Why do you do this? Here’s a tip for everyone in the world: there is nothing you can do to make your feet look good. A foot is a foot, and a foot will always be ugly. Unless you’re a deviant and you pleasure yourself at the sight of a foot (and if you are, and you’re reading this, just end yourself), then you should be of the opinion that a foot is pretty much on the same level of attractiveness as a scrotum.

LOOK AT THIS. NOTHING CAN MAKE IT BETTER. NOTHING!

LOOK AT THIS. NOTHING CAN MAKE IT BETTER. NOTHING!

There is nothing you can do to make a foot attractive. Putting nail polish on them just draws attention to something that’s pretty unsightly in the first place. Stop doing it. You don’t see men wrapping their ballsacks in ribbons and dipping them in paint, so knock that shit off.

Thanks.



et cetera