It’s just past midnight, and in approximately eight hours, I will show up to work dishevelled and exhausted (because that’s what I do every Monday). But it’ll be different from every other Monday, because tomorrow I have to help my colleague with her filing. Here is a list of some things off the top of my head that I would actually prefer to do other than her filing:

1. Kiss a scorpion.

2. Eat a live budgie.

3. Watch Twilight.

4. Jam a paperclip in my eye.

5. Run naked through the streets of Tillydrone.

6. Undergo rectal surgery.

7. Clone myself and then fight to the death.

8. Be reincarnated as Mother Theresa.

9. Run through a minefield wearing clogs.

10. Place my balls on a set mouse trap.

11. Watch every episode of The Mighty Boosh.

12. Have sex with a corpse.

The only reason I’m doing her filing over anything from that list is because unfortunately it’s not my choice. I don’t have that option, Although it isn’t my job, I have to pick up for my colleague’s slack or the whole world will descend into chaos. Maybe if she didn’t spend half the time on Marks & Spencer’s website or on the phone to her friends/family I wouldn’t have to do her filing, but that’s a fool’s dream. When you’re a pro-skiver like me, you learn to divvy up the amount of time you spend slacking so that you don’t actually fall behind on the work you’re supposed to be doing. Maybe I’ll suggest a few tips to her. Or maybe I’ll just take a scorpion to work tomorrow and make out with it until it stings my face and I get to go to hospital and thus avoid all the fucking filing.

Anyone know where I can get a scorpion this time of night?


et cetera